It’s been over a year since I first met Brett and it’s safe to say that it didn’t turn out to be the year I had hoped. Since I last wrote, the year and seasons have changed and with it so have the parameters of whatever relationship the bartender and I had.
Since my last post, I cut back considerably on seeing Brett. I went from seeing him multiple times a week, to maybe once a week or even once every other week. After his interactions became cold at the end of last year, I knew my heart wouldn’t be able to handle the pain of being ignored on a regular basis. I also stopped going in alone and would only go in with Rachelle or other friends, just so I wouldn’t feel lonely.
At times, our interactions showed glimpses of returning to what it used to be. He would take a few minutes every now and then to catch up on life and fill me in on what he’s been up to. Occasionally we’d get caught up in deep conversation and he would throw one of his giggles or even a smile my way. It was through these interactions that he confirmed that he did in fact start dating Megan, the brunette girl that he was flirting with. In an attempt to avoid seeing them together, I began avoiding the bar as much as I possibly could. There was a time where I’d go weeks without seeing him because the pain was still too much to bear.
After I found out about him and Megan’s relationship, I held out hope that it wouldn’t work out. I would check Facebook every day hoping to see that his relationship status had been changed to “single.” Whenever I was in the bar, I would listen to his conversations with other people to see if he mentioned her. Eventually I just gave up and began to slowly accept the fact that he was with someone else.
Though I was happy for him, I could see a change in his demeanor and mood. Normally someone in a relationship would be happy and exuberant, but Brett’s behavior was the total opposite. More often than not he would be grumpy, annoyed, stressed, and as unhappy as I’ve ever seen him. I can probably count on one hand the times where he’s been the happy-go-lucky man that I fell in love with. The complete 180 turn was painful for me to watch and even more reason for me to slowly step back. Even today, it is still difficult to see him deflated and unhappy. I’m not sure if she’s the reason for the change in behavior or if there’s something else going on, but as someone who cares about him deeply, it’s troubling.
The time apart has definitely helped diminished the feelings of love over the past few months as well. Now I don’t think about him on a daily basis anymore unless Time Hop or Facebook or a friend reminds me of a moment or memory, but even then I don’t get consumed as much. I do occasionally go back through this blog to relive the better moments of our time together, but then I’m always reminded of the rough patch we went through as well and I would rather forget those feelings.
Recently we’ve seemingly started to slowly rebuild the friendly rapport that we once had. Back in July I had to undergo emergency spinal surgery after I lost strength and sensation in my legs. Since then the recovery process has been difficult. I spent three weeks in the hospital and two months in a wheelchair before I was finally able to stand up on my own. The surgery opened the door for Brett and I to begin to start over.
The first time I went in there with my wheelchair, I was met with looks of concern and sympathy from the bar regulars I’ve come to know and even members of the staff. That look is one that I had begun to hate because I didn’t want to be looked down upon with pity. When Brett first saw me, he simply smiled and laughed and asked “what the hell did you do?!” I couldn’t help but return the smile and laugh. After I filled him in on what happened, he simply continued laughing and walked away. It was the reaction that I needed to help me remain positive. That same night he bestowed the nickname “Wheels” upon me and I was met with that greeting every time I would roll (literally) in there.
Since my surgery, he’s shown concern about my recovery process. He’s now seen me in a wheelchair, walking in with a walker, and now walking in without needing any equipment to assist me. Throughout these past few months, he’s begun talk to me more and ask about my recovery. He’s also begun spending more time with us when we’re in there by hanging out on the patio for a few minutes with us or talking to me while I’m sitting at the bar. The banter has returned to each of us providing a lot of sarcasm and humor towards one another and we now share more laughs and smiles…just like we used to. Though there are nights when we don’t interact that way, it is slowly starting to get better.
I am extremely grateful that we’re on the way to becoming friends once again because I feel like we bring some positivity and humor into each others’ lives. It’s not very often you get second chances, so I’ve learned to become more cautious and aware of my actions and feelings. Time has definitely allowed me to become stronger when it comes to him and not letting “the feels” get the best of me. I’m not sure what is in the cards for him and I, but I do feel like we’re finally back on track to becoming friends.
The Bartender and Me 