Chapter 6: Confusion

Loving someone, I’m realizing, is a really difficult emotion to manage. The more and more I go in and hang out with Brett, the farther I feel myself falling for him. The hardest part is not knowing how he feels. He gives off a vibe that tells me he’s not interested, but then, on the other hand, he gives off signals that tell me otherwise. Why must he be so confusing?

If you’ve been keeping up with my story thus far, you know that I keep mentioning how I’ve seem to found my perfect guy but can’t have him. Before I explain all the confusion, I should explain exactly why I can’t have him. You see, I happen to be a gay man that’s never been in a relationship. Why you ask? Well, I have chosen to establish myself with a career before I worry about that. However, after meeting Brett, I can see myself straying away from that plan for him. That’s why our interactions have left me very confused about the whole situation.

On the surface, Brett seems like your normal straight guy. He loves sports (he used to play baseball in college), he knows a lot about cars, and he somehow manages to make even the most innocent categories on 94% (a game) sexual. To me, he’s your typical straight guy. I’ve never gotten the impression that he was, as my friends say, “my kind.” But, that doesn’t mean he hasn’t given off a vibe or mixed signals. It’s these signals that make me unsure exactly how he feels or which team he bats for.

Some of the signals are things that he either says to my friends or me. You remember that he told my best friend Amanda that I’m the only one he lets hang out with him after closing time. Other examples of mixed signals include the random comments he makes about the 94% categories. Case in point, one category was “what everyone eats” and the word began with a “C.” As usual when I get stumped, I asked him what he thought it was.

“Oh, duh, it’s definitely cock,” he said with one of his famous smirks. “Really?! I thought this was a safe category,” I replied. “What? I know how to cook up some good cock,” he said with his eyes deadlocked on mine. Instantly I felt my face turn extremely red and beads of sweat forming on my forehead. What was that? Why is he saying such a thing with that smirk? He happened to say that just as I was leaving. I was in such shock that I just got up, quickly said bye, and left as he stood there giggling about his guess.

The more I think about it, the more I realize that he makes things a little uncomfortable with his sexual innuendo. One other time, I was hanging out watching the men’s US Open final match. The match ended and I closed my tab and was getting ready to say bye. He was washing dishes behind the bar and was having a difficult time with something behind the bar near the sink. “Having trouble back there?” I asked. “Yeah, I’m having a hard time getting it in,” he replied with a wink. I could only manage to reply with the following: “oh god, you are so stupid!” He nearly died laughing behind the bar as I once again made a quick escape.

The signals aren’t always verbal. There are some instances when there have been physical signals that he sends. In the previous chapter, I explained how he turned a high five into a hand holding moment that lasted a couple seconds as he said bye. That moment had me so confused for several days afterwards.

On a different night, Rachelle and I were having one of our usual night outs. Prior to meeting her at the bar, I had to handle a lot of family drama that left me with a major headache. We sat down at the bar and he walked over to greet us. “Hey guys, how’s it going?” he asked as he set our beers down in front of us. “Don’t ask…I just had to deal with a bunch of family drama and now I have the biggest headache,” I told him. “Oh that sucks, but nothing that this won’t help,” he said as he slowly and seductively ran his finger down my beer glass with his eyes locked on mine. “I need a knife to cut it,” Rachelle said as he walked away to help someone else. “Huh? What do you need to cut?” I had to ask her since I was confused. “I need to cut all this sexual tension!” she added. I just laughed and gave her an eye roll.

Then there was one night when a bunch of us were hanging out and having a good time. We decided to head to the bar down the road and we invited Brett to join us. After he completed his duties at the bar, he ended up meeting us. We were in middle of a cornhole game when he joined us at our high top table. He ordered a beer and sat down.

I have to admit that I probably had a little too much to drink by the time he met us. I saw him sit down at our table. He was, as usual, still in his work attire and his baseball cap. I’m not quite sure what came over me (probably the alcohol), but I decided to be a little flirtatious and mess around with him. I walked over and kept pulling the bill of his cap down over his face. I did it a few times before I had to go back to my cornhole game. The next morning I remember waking up and feeling so embarrassed that I didn’t want to go back to see him for a while. What did he think about that moment? Did he see it as me flirting? Would he tell me he’s not interested?

The next time I went in after that night, everything was normal. We joked about the events of that night and kept right on going with our normal interactions. It was almost as if he didn’t mind the little flirting on my part.

With all that said, I have to ask…am I crazy? Am I just imagining that these moments are happening because of how I’m feeling? Or is he really sending mixed signals? Either way, he is doing a great job at keeping me interested in him. Confused or not, I can’t help but continue to go back to him even though chances are this won’t end well for me.